Hi. I don’t want to alarm you, but the those people behind you have been following you all the way up the mountain.
It’s all downhill from here,
Hi. I noticed you aren’t naked anymore, so I am guessing you ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil even though I specifically asked you not to. Was that really so much to ask? I mean seriously, I made you honey crisp apples. Did you even try those first? They are f’n delicious - way better than those good and evil apples. Well, you kind of blew it now, I guess I will just keep these honey crisps to myself for a while.
I talked to Adam about this whole thing after finding him in a bush, so, uh, I pretty much already know what happened. You can try to blame it on that serpent over there, but I don’t see him eating any apples and you totally have apple breath.
Long story short, I am going to have to ask you to leave and not return. I’m probably going to have to make some winged man/lion/eagle/ox hybrid now to guard the place so you don’t come back. Ooh, maybe I will give it a flaming sword or something. That’s sounds pretty bad ass. Anyway, thanks for ruining my weekend.
Your Lord and savior,
P.S. I’m trying not to be too big of a dick about this whole thing, but I just want you to know that child bearing is going to be really really painful.
If you can stay anonymous why can’t I? I am on the east coast near the middle.
Hi, I noticed a book attacked your face in your picture. I hope you were able to survive. Ever since the book zombie uprising occurred I have been awfully lonely and some company would be nice. I don’t know of anyone else that has survived. Luckily I was able to inject myself with an experimental vaccine I was working on before I succumbed to the virus myself. I think I may be able to extend my immunity to others using a serum of my blood. Now that you have been attacked you only have a few days before the book virus mutates you into an albino paged nocturnal mutant Luddite. I am currently living atop a fortified apartment building equipped with an arsenal of book fighting weapons. I spend my days reading my Kindle, and patrolling the deserted city, hunting and destroying books zombies in the near impossible task of locating their headquarters, I am hoping to end their threat once and for all. Now that I am writing this down I am wondering why I never looked in the library. I am guessing that is probably where they are hanging out. Well I am off; I need to be back before sunset. Wish me luck. Let me know if you want to try the blood serum vaccine thingy.
Never judge a book by its cover,
P.S. What is black and white and red all over? Zombie newspapers.
I normally like to stick with dating related materials on this blog, but I wanted to announce that my band Team Adventure Squad just came out with a new album. I would really appreciate it if you would take a listen. It is free to stream on Spotify and if you really like it you can buy it on iTunes or through our MP3 store. Thanks again for your support.
Hi. What’s shaking? I noticed you are dressed up with your friend as salt and pepper shakers. I can only assume this is because, like me, you are a huge fan of the late 80’s and early 90’s iconic and three time MTV Video Music Award winning hip hop group Salt-n-Pepa. This might not be En Vogue, but I think you may be just Whatta Man like me is looking for. I don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do, but I have a feeling you do it so well it’s a spell. Hell, I don’t even know you yet, and you already make me want to Shoop.
I don’t want to Push It, but would you like to take a ride in my coupe and go for some ice cream? My favorite flavor is chocolate chip with a honey dip. What flavor do you like? You can have a bite of mine if I can also get a scoop of yours. I would love nothing more than to spend an evening full of witty banter about you and me, all the good things, and all the bad things. Sex can be an uncomfortable topic for many, but if you are as passionate about Salt-n-Pepa as I am, I am sure you are a very sensual and open person. So let’s get together and talk about it! I want you to know I don’t take anything that seriously lightly. So how about before we even think about taking anything to the next level Lets Talk About Aids and other sexually transmitted diseases as well.
Stay Hot, Cool, & Vicious,
P.S. Next time you dress up like Salt-n-Pepa let me know. I have a really great Spinderella costume.
Hi. I believe you may have located my R2-series astromech droid. It is very important that I find him because I left some precious documents with him. He is 0.96 meters tall. He rolls on three legs, one of which can retract into his body, and has a silver and blue domed head. His white, blue, and silver body houses many arms, sensors, and other apparatuses. He may also be traveling with a salvaged protocol droid that goes by the name of C-3PO. If you have found him please don’t attempt to remove his restraining bolt. He is quite crafty and will probably escape again. Instead bring him to Skytop Station and I will reward you handsomely with credits.
May the force be with you,
Hello. I really like your Santa koozie. Did you make that yourself? If so would you be willing to sell me your design? I ask because I am thinking about starting a novelty koozie business and that Santa design would be perfect. I already have an Easter bunny design and a menorah koozie that…
Hi. I was wondering if you noticed the direction that the bird in your picture was flying. Long story short my bird (The Incredible Hawk) got away. I haven’t seen him since yesterday . He must be traveling on now. It looks like he is flying high. I have searched for him, but there are too many places I’ve still got to look. It isn’t his fault. Lord knows I’m to blame. I have recently taken up falconry and I am not yet very good at it. I guess he was a bird I could not change. I am not sure he will even remember me if I don’t get him back by tomorrow. Maybe he is better off with out me, but I don’t think things are going to be the same without him. If you help me find him I would gladly give you 10% of the animals he has caught since he left. Thanks again.
Bye, bye, baby, it’s been a sweet love,
Hi, I can tell you are a jolly happy soul and It seems like we might have a lot in common. We both like the outdoors and my favorite season is also winter. I am sure a lady like you gives a lot of guys the cold shoulder, but I really want to try to melt your heart of ice. So let me know if you would like to chill sometime. All I ask is that you promise you won’t go disappearing at the first sign of seasons change.
P.S. You haven’t happened to see an old silk hat around have you?
Hi. I was wondering if you could help me out. I was looking for a field I could use. See, I have recently been hearing voices that are telling me, “If you build it, they will come.” My wife says I should follow my heart and build a baseball field. I would use my own cornfield, but my brother said that would just cause me to go bankrupt. I really want to see who will come and who “he” is. I did some brainstorming to try and think of who “he” might be. My deceased father really loved baseball, especially the Chicago White Sox, so I am hoping it is either him, some members of the Chicago White Sox, a reclusive author, or random hitchhiker who is actually a reincarnation of a deceased doctor that never had the chance to play in the big leagues. Either way, I think it would make a really good story. Maybe they could even make the story into a movie someday. People often tell me I look like a young Kevin Costner. If we use your field I am sure you would get to be in the movie too. Who do you think you would be played by? So if you are willing to help please let me know at your earliest convenience. I would need a baseball sized plot of land and I would also like to install some lights. If I don’t hear from you soon I will probably be forced to use my own field to the dismay of my brother. Thanks again.
I can not answer your questions if you are anonymous.